God did it.

A post addressed to all you poor, misguided souls who believe your great-great-great etc grandpapa is Bobo the chimp. I wish to save you from yourselves, and so I have gathered some persuasive arguments to help convert you. By the time I‘m done, you‘ll want to get on your knees and pray for your white, old, grey-bearded God’s forgiveness. (Hmmm… ever wonder why an omnipotent being would CHOOSE to be a senior citizen? I mean, I know some seniors who live great lives, but if you had all the time you wanted, everything you needed, wouldn‘t you rather have a 20-year old body? Oh well, He moves in mysterious ways…)

You can be good people. Unfortunately, you’ve been brainwashed by a massive campaign to turn you into monkey-descend freaks.

From Christiancourier.com:
“there has been a massive campaign to flood the “intellectual market” with evolutionary propaganda. Though such ideas by no means originated with Darwin, he popularized evolution more than anyone else. His book sold out (1,025 copies) the first day of its release.”

Wow. 1025 copies. That’s nearly a million, if you go by the same math that made Noah 500+ years old. And I do, because Bible-math is God’s math. So 1025 copies means almost everyone in the world must have been persuaded by Darwin’ s theory. It’s a good thing a couple of dozen brave souls held on to the truth.

If that was not enough, The Scopes trial,
“the first ever to be broadcast on radio, brought national attention to the issue of creation vs. evolution. As a result of that encounter, the concept of creationism was cast into an unfavorable light, and evolutionary dogma gained considerable respectability, albeit undeserved.”

I guess this must be because the evil, perverted teacher in Tennessee won the trial. News to me, but oh well. God works in mysterious ways…

More from the above-named source:
“Evolution is not a scientific law.
Darwin’s “Theory” is actually an hypothesis that falls quite beyond the pale of the scientific method (observation, experimentation, and verification).”

Because, you see, Darwin spent all his time tanning on the deck of the Beagle. There is not one iota of evidence supporting the claim that any scientist has observed, experimented with, or verified any facts about evolution. And those disease-resistant, nearly-seedless, extra-large watermelons you grow in your garden are the same variety that Noah fed his animals.

“It is hardly necessary, therefore, to yield to the pressures of evolutionary brow-beating. We ought not to be cowed down; we should be more aggressive, demanding that those who affirm their confidence in evolution argue their case logically.”

Yeah, science guys. For once, why don’t you try looking at the situation logically, like we do!


A few questions from http://emporium.turnpike.net/C/cs/quest.htm

Q: “Something from nothing?
The "Big Bang", the most widely accepted theory of the beginning of the universe, states that everything developed from a small dense cloud of subatomic particles and radiation which exploded, forming hydrogen (and some helium) gas. Where did this energy/matter come from? How reasonable is it to assume it came into being from nothing? And even if it did come into being, what would cause it to explode?”

A: Isn’t it much more logical to believe that some omnipotent, bearded gentleman in the sky created everything? And if you wonder who created this gentleman, well, I suppose there was a big bang of some sort…

Question Two concerns the Second Law of Thermodynamics. To save time, I’ll just refer you to Buckle B’s pathetic attempt to justify “science,” and let YOU decide whether my poor, skinny, little brother is facing everlasting Hell-fire for his beliefs.

Okay, I won’t quite skip it. Apparently, there IS increasing order on the earth, according to my expert source. I’m not quite sure what proof he has, because he offers none (I think it has something to do with evolution), but apparently he knocks Brian’s argument into a cocked hat. Take that, you!

Q: “Where are the transitional fossils?
If evolution has taken place our museums should be overflowing with the skeletons of countless transitional forms. Yet after over one hundred years of intense searching only a small number of transitional candidates are touted as proof of evolution. If evolution has really taken place, where are the transitional forms? And why does the fossil record actually show all species first appearing fully formed, with most nearly identical to current instances of the species?
ASIDE: Most of the examples touted by evolutionists concentrate on just one feature of the anatomy, like a particular bone or the skull. A true transitional fossil should be intermediate in many if not all aspects. The next time someone shows you how this bone changed over time, ask them about the rest of the creature too!
”

I can‘t count the number of times someone has told me about how their bone has changed over time, but that‘s probably beside the point, so I give up. I’ve been trying for the sake of fun to pretend that I’m on the creationists’ side. But this is just idiotic. If this was a high school debate and I was on the creation side I’d be crying into my shirtsleeve about now.

So I’ll just give up and go to bed. Anyway, the whole post was just the result of six hours of swimming, cornhole, and beer.

I was going to end this late-night post with the quote "...and now to bed!" but I'm too lazy to research and attribute it. Is it from one of the hobbits?

Campaign

Senator Clinton is really making a pig's ear* of the campaign situation.

She can not win the nomination. She can, however, be a hero by handling her loss gracefully. She can throw her full support behind Senator Obama, spend several months campaigning effectively for him, and come out of this thing smelling like roses.

Instead, she's doing everything possible to ensure that John McCain is the next president.

If she wonders why so many Democrats have turned their backs on her and thrown their support behind Obama, I suggest she spend some time reviewing her campaign performance over the last couple of months.

She should realize that a lot of Democratic voters are turned off by anyone willing to sit down with Bill O'Reilly.

She should know that first supporting the non-seating (un-seating?) of delegates from Michigan and Florida, then reversing her opinion when she needs them, comes across as just plain petty and selfish.

She should recognize that garnering more lukewarm support from gun-toting, Ten- Commandments-in-school believing, gay-bashing Creationists than Obama is not viewed as an admirable accomplishment by most Democratic voters. It's actually a mark against her if those idiots back her.

*I've never before in my life used the term "made a pig's ear of." The thought of barbecue must have influenced my word choices.

BBQ

Sorry it’s been so long between posts. I had a lovely weekend at John McCain’s cook-out. By the way, it was not a barbecue! Sticking a piece of meat over an open flame is just grilling. Nothing wrong with that, but BBQ is something completely different.

Looking for support, I found at article at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24506502/ “The great barbecue debate: It’s all about the sauce
Squabble over what makes the best grilling marinade spans time and place”

Here’s what my anonymous expert from the AP (yes, I have no idea who the writer is, but since he or she agrees with me, the writer is obviously and expert) has to say:

“tossing a couple T-bones on your rinky-dink hibachi with the wobbly legs and charcoal brickets isn’t barbecue.
The manufacturer may call it a BBQ. Your recipe may even call it that. But that’s really grilling. And to suggest otherwise might get you a skewer in the eye from true barbecue aficionados.
Unlike the torch-and-flip of grilling, barbecue is a more laborious process: cooking at low temperatures for hours, turning the meat into a succulent, fall-off-the-bone mouthful of tastiness.”

The article also discusses the sauces which predominate in different geographic regions. I was interested to learn that sauces generally get sweeter the further west you go.

Oh, and one more interesting tidbit. “ Homer — the poet, not the cartoon character — refers to a form of barbecue in his epic works, and the term generally is believed to be a derivative of “barbacoa,” a West Indian word used to describe slow-cooking meat over hot coals.”

Kung Pao Evolution

I had a nice long walk tonight, then stayed home and relaxed. After that got boring, I tried to see how angry I oould get by googling "some people actually think we're descended from monkeys!"

I thought the search should turn up some sufficiently moronic comments on discussion boards.

I found a delightful page, http://www.exposingmysteries.org/EN_C2-3.html.
It's a neat little essay entitled "The Simple Step for a Person Becoming Stupidity," the point of which seems to be that our rationality causes us to mislead ourselves away from God.

I suppose I could paraphrase it like this: "Stop using your God-given brain and start believing in God, darn it!"

Anyway, what really fascinated me was that the article was first published in Chinese, then translated into English. So it has really cool phrasing, like the samples below.

"You may guess: among those four monkey-men, who firstly shout out "Turn around!" this kind of watchword? By the end of this article, you will get some hints for this picture."

"interpersonal relationship has certain impact on people. By comparison with animals, interpersonal relationship has so strong influence upon everybody. We never see a monkey doing suicide because of being humiliated by other monkeys."

" children are indoctrinated with the religious beliefs of atheism, materialism, and evolutionism from their early ages, and then those concepts become the backbone of their worldviews. When they encounter with the Bible and the Gospel, they may feel difficult to give up their traditional views for believing in Jesus."

A brief program note. I'm not really making fun of the language. I just found it fascinating to see an evangelical message translated from a foreign language into English, rather than the reverse as I would usually expect.

Way to go, America! We've done such a good job of 'Americanizing' China that they're now trying to convert us to Christianity. U-S-A! U-S-A!

One more, just to give Brian something to think about, you Mr. Smarty-pants Science Guy. I bet you don't have an answer for this one, do you? Huh? Huh?

"First, behold, the universe and the solar system were not generated by a great explosion; because the explosion can only cause chaos, and it is unable to form an order of the natural environment. If you do not believe that, you may try a test: make a great explosion in a forest, see if it produces a beautiful park or residential community or a block for business. The answer only is: the explosion just destroyed original order and natural form."

Actually, I refuted that one yesterday. I blew up 12 tons of TNT in Cherokee Park. It's now Cherokee Office Park.

In local sports news...

First, my apologies to Senator Clinton: Hillary, I know you are eagerly awaiting my advice, but it's 11:30 at night and I don't have time right now. I'll send you an email this weekend and let you know what you should do, and post it on this blog for posterity.

On to the important stuff. The Yogis got a huge win tonight against Jock's, our main rival in the Tuesday night league. We're now 4-0 in the league, to offset our so-far weather-abbreviated 0-1 on Wednesdays.

I'm giving this news on my blog because I've decided two blogs is too much. I set up the shell of a really cool Yogis blog, with a neat layout and cool pictures and everything, but I think there's at least a 75% chance I'll never post a thing on it. I'm keeping it though, just in case.

In other news, a Gannett reporter interviewed me for several minutes right outside the polls. ( I first wrote "Poles." I thought about keeping it that way so readers would wonder wonder why I was so far from Kentucky today.) Since Gannett probably interviewed fewer than 14,000 Kentuckians and Oregonians, I'm sure you'll find my comments prominently featured in USA Today tomorrow.

I bet you can't wait.

Finally, an appeal. I was listening to some REM on my computer at work today. I forgot how much I liked them and I would love to hear more, but due to circumstances which are amazingly and pathetically beyond my control, all the REM discs I used to listen to in my car are no longer available. If anyone has any that I can burn or which they can burn for me, I'd appreciate it.

Huh?

"Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gas? ... That's interesting. I hadn't heard that." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 28, 2008

Election

My prediction below was based mostly on state-by-state polls.

There are numerous states in which the polling preference is currently Clinton first, then McCain, then Obama.

This could be a reflection of preference for the candidates’ platforms, but that makes no sense since Clinton and Obama’s platforms are virtually indistinguishable. If policy was the reason for the polling rank in these states, McCain would always be first or last.

I also have a hard time believing the polls reflect any personality preferences. Clinton might be a fine person, but if the choices are McCain, Clinton, and Obama, I can’t believe Hillary Clinton is the one more people would “like to have a beer with.”

So I’ve concluded that these polls reflect two things.

The first is racism. A small percentage of people who are sick of Bush policies and right-wing government would still not be willing to vote for a black candidate, especially since that candidate has both Islam and a weirdo Christian minister in his past. Never mind the fact that he’s not the only candidate with a whacko Christian minister in his corner.

But I think the polls also suggest some bitterness from Clinton supporters. The polling of people who prefer Obama indicates that they would vote for Clinton of she’s the candidate, but the percentage of Clinton supporters who would do the same is noticeably smaller.

My guess is that a lot of Clinton supporters feel that it is her turn, and they would have had no problem supporting Obama in 20012 or 2016 if he’d waited until then to run. Now that he’s the choice of the party, they’re having some difficulty accepting it.

This leads me to believe that Obama will have a larger-than-average bounce coming out of the Democratic Convention. The bitter feelings will persist for a while, but once Clinton takes the stage at the convention and gives a glowing endorsement of Obama as the champion of the party, a lot of her supporters will find they can support him after all.

So let’s just hope he doesn’t get shot. There is an astounding quantity of ignorant, in-bred, gun-toting lunatics in this country, and since a prominent and supposedly good, sane minister is already making jokes about it, I think assassination might be a legitimate fear.

Two unrelated topics...

1) May 25 is Towel Day! If you care to join in a fun tribute to Douglas Adams, check here for info:

http://www.towelday.kojv.net/

I'm not sure I'd be interested in carrying a towel around all day, myself. I think I'd get tired of all the explanations.


2) My highly scientific analysis leads me to predict a John McCain presidency.

Like any good weather shaman, I reserve the right to change my forecast. But at the moment I predict 294 electoral votes for McCain.

a comment on a comment

You've got it exactly right, Brian. That's the thing that struck me about Melissa Block's reporting. I don't have any idea what Anderson Cooper's doing these days because I don't have cable, but I can imagine him on t.v. crying his eyes out and talking about how awful it is, but not really adding anything to the story. And he'd stop some guy hauling a wheelbarrow with an injured child and ask him how he was doing.

"Um. Not good. Thanks for asking."

Ralph Stanley

The Grandpa Jones reference just jogged my memory. Ralph Stanley is going to be at Jefferson Memorial Forrest Saturday. I might not remember tomorrow, so Dad, if you read this blog, and if I don't happen to call you today or tomorrow and ask, do you want to go out there Saturday afternoon? 5 bands starting at 11:00, so I was thinking about trying to get there around 2:30 or 3 o'clock and hearing the last couple of hours. I think it's supposed to end at five-ish.

Softball news

After two games tonight we're 3-0 in the Tuesday night league. I like our team. We have a good lineup and good depth. I've stunk hitting so far, but it's early and I'm rusty. I hit the ball solidly tonight, anyway.

We were rained out last Wednesday. Looks like rain again tomorrow. But we've been good on Tuesdays.

Also, I'm playing in a Monday night league at Highview with some very young guys. They seem like a pretty good group and I'll enjoy it, but it's a little weird being the old guy. There's one other guy who's 34, and the rest of the team averages about 25 years old. I feel like Grandpa Jones (What's for supper, Grandpa!). It's odd. I don't feel old, by any means, but when I started playing with the Yogis most of those guys were still playing little league.

Let me tell you again how wonderful NPR is...

Melissa Block is certain to win numerous awards for her coverage of the earthquake in China's Sichuan province.

She and Robert Siegel were coincidentally in China for other (olympics-related, I assume) stories, and have both been reporting brilliantly.

But Block's reporting has been especially powerful. In the immediate aftermath of the quake she was on the scene of horrendous catastrophe but reported it with complete professionalism. She was eloquent and descriptive though she was obviously personally shaken by what she was witnessing.

Over the following two days their reports have continued to be top-notch. They have provided the story while taking pains to respect the needs, emotions, and dignity of the victims.

The End of Days

After listening to a “This American Life” podcast which dealt with apocalyptic beliefs, I thought it would be interesting to learn more. I was not disappointed.

My most important find is a web page that has instantly become one of my all-time favorites. It is http://www.raptureready.com/rap2.html, The Rapture Index. I plan to check it every day so that if the Rapture comes I won’t miss it.

I don’t want to alarm you, but things are looking pretty grim at the moment because:

-In Beast Government news, “The EU pens a new treaty.”
-The plague signs are climbing because “A new drug-resistant strain staff has been linked to sexually-active gay men.”
-And various weather-related crap appears to be going on. As you know, it’s always a sign of End Times if it isn’t 70 degrees and sunny the world over.

It isn’t all bad news, though. France’s new conservative leader lowered the index somewhat.

I found the comment, “Record cold temps put the freeze on global warming hype” in the climate category to be frankly puzzling. It certainly gives me a clue as to the writer’s political leaning, but I’m in the dark as to whether a lack of global warming would bring believers nearer to God or not.

Movies

I watched the first two Bourne movies this week. Finally.
I'm nearly the last person on the planet to have seen them, so reviews aren't necessary.
Instead, I only wanted to say that as I was watching the opening credits for the second movie I said to myself "Hmm, the first movie ended on such a happy note. He got the girl, they were well-hidden. They appeared set for life. What could ever draw him back into the type of adventure depicted in blockbuster action films? Oh yeah. Sorry about your luck, Maria."

2008 Derby

I tried a different approach to handicapping the Derby this year. I made a spreadsheet and predicted the order for all 20 horses every two furlongs. I guess I did okay since I picked the winner on my handicapping. But I didn't actually place a win bet on Big Brown. I preferred Colonel John, though I did not bet on him either. I hit the Oaks/Derby Double but it didn't pay a lot, and my actual win bet was on Gayego since his odds were so long.

Anyway, it was a good day overall because I had a good time with my family, ate lots of food, and ended up a whopping $3.00 ahead for the day.

Thank you Twinspires.com and horsemen for not working out your differences, because otherwise I'm sure I would have given you a fair amount of money.

Based on the results of this handicapping try, it looks as if I better not try any exotic wagers. I would have needed to box 17 horses before I hit the trifecta.

So why not link to that one, too?

Clinton Deploys Very Special Forces To Iraq

I've been meaning to post this for a few weeks...

This is one of the funniest Onion articles I've seen. It ranks right up there with the Very Special Forces.

Black Guy Asks Nation For Change