Interviews with athletes are incredibly dull. They aren't scripted, but they might as well be.
Personally, I don't think I'd be able to resist screwing with the interviewer. I'd like to win a big game just for the chance to do that. Here's how the interview would go if I were the star player of, say, the Butler Bulldogs:

Q: First, congratulations on your trip back home to Indianapolis for the Final Four. It must be quite a thrill.
Me: It sucks, really. I mean, I love that we're going to the Final Four, but we live in Indianapolis. Why can't it be in San Antonio this year, or Albuquerque, or some other cool place? Oh, whoopie, we get to go to Indy. We were going there anyway.

Q: When you were slogging through those hard practices back in November did you have any idea you would have such a special season?
Me: Not really. I love these guys, you know, but I didn't think we'd be any good. Seriously, if any of us were any good wouldn't we have gone to Duke or Carolina or Kansas or Kentucky, or some school like that?

Q: Most people doubted you had a chance in this game. But your coach believed in you. How much did that help?
Me: Not much, really. I mean, Coach said we could win, but he sort of has to say stuff like that. I figured we'd get killed.

Q: Your center got in early foul trouble last night. How worried were you when he went out?
Me: Very. I was very worried. Have you seen our backup center?
He sucks.

Q: You were trailing by five late in the game. Did you think you had a shot then?
Me: No.

Q: What was going through your mind before you hit that big shot to win the game?
Me: I was wondering if my girlfriend missed me, or if she was cheating on me while I was out of town. I don't really trust her. But I figured we'd already made it to the regional finals, which is cool, so when I get back to Indy I'm gonna get a new girlfriend anyway. Sort of a BMOC upgrade, you know?
__________________________________
I would also like to be a local field reporter during a winter storm watch.

What's it like out there, Kevin?

Cold as hell, buddy. I was scheduled to be off tonight, and instead you bozos have got me standing out on a street corner in sub-freezing weather to watch for snow flakes. You do realize most of our viewers have windows, don't you? If they want to see the snow- if it snows- they can just look outside.
You want a report? Okay, I'll give you a report. The ground is dry. There's a car behind me. There it goes around the corner...wait for it, wait for it... oh, it didn't slide or skid at all. You wanna know why? It's not snowing.
Back to you in the studio. Your warm, damn studio with your coffee and your...

_______________________________________
...a little bit more, just because it was fun.
"Yeah, going to the Final Four really means a lot to us. But we're especially happy for Coach. I know he wants a higher-paying, higher-profile job in one of the major conferences, and now I'm sure he'll get it. In fact, I'd be shocked if he was still our coach this time next month."
and
"Hell yes we're just happy to be there. I don't figure we have much of a chance next week, but I bet there's all kinds of cool swag. I need a new iPod."

Bummer

I can't believe I went all season without any comments on UK basketball. So here are a few thoughts now that the Wildcats' season is over.
To the extent I still care- which is a fair amount, but my Wildcats basketball passion has waned gradually over the last 15 years or so (and been replaced by a passion for Wildcats football. I must be a glutton for punishment) - this was a fun but frustrating season. The incredible talent was fun to watch, but except for Patterson they were all underclassmen and therefore prone to boneheadedness and inconsistency.
I really liked this team. Here are my thoughts on some players:
Departing:
Patterson: He'll be a solid pro for quite a few years, though never a star and probably rarely a starter. But a good variety of skills and great attitude will keep him in that league I never watch for a long time.
Wall: Wow.
Cousins: Wow, again. He and Wall will be on more than a few NBA All-Star teams.
Perry Stevenson: I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow. Minimal talent but great post-game quotes. What a funny guy.

Returning:
Bledsoe: I would imagine he'll be back. He has a lot to learn. His brilliant flashes were exceptional- both in their degree of brilliance and in the sense that they were exceptions, not the rule. His frequent 'chucker' mentality and turnovers were the primary reason I was lukewarm all year about this team's chances of winning a title. I expect him to come back next year, and still be frustratingly inconsistent. But his junior year will be great, and then he'll go to the NBA.
Orton: He'll be very good next year and gone the next to a nice NBA career.
Miller: He shows all the signs of a guy who will show infrequent flashes of brilliance all through four years of college and then disappear to Europe.
Liggins: see Miller.

Overall, this was the best UK team since 2003. Or possibly 2004-they were pretty good too. Judging from comments sections on KSR and the Herald Leader, the fans all year seemed to think it was the best UK team since '98, or maybe '96, but in my opinion the 2003 team would have beat them 7 out of 10 (and not because this year's team was only 12 years old then. That 2003 team was fantastic and would have won a title if Bogans hadn't gotten hurt in the 3rd round).

Below are some comments section quotes from wingnuts.
I really have no point in posting them except that they amuse me, and it brightens my day to know that these people- and hopefully lots of other people from wingnut hotbeds- will not be counted in the census.

I did not fill out the 2000 census. When a census taker came to my door I told them to get off MY Private Property. When the census person stood there I asked if they understood or did I have to play baseball and use their head as a ball. This person left and I never heard anything again.
I plan to do the same thing this year--if my government wants info from me my new attitude is that they can pay me for my time and I owe my government nothing and I want nothing in return except for government to leave me alone. This year I might even use a prop a baseball bat at my door.
(I would never use a bat on anyone unless I or my family was attacked---then I would use a gun)

I will definately boycott the 2010 census.

I agree. The census REWARDS cities for having higher numbers of people, and THE CAN BE ILLEGAL ALIENS! I will NOT participate. I didn't back in 2000 eiher. They can stick it!

Down with the Obamaites, I will not allow them on my property.

"BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU"
I sat down last night to finally fill out the census form and then...WHAT??? I was outraged as to the utter invasion of my privacy! It started with asking for my phone number and by the time I reached the next page my eyeballs were hanging out! How Freak'n Dare They!!! Who the hell do these United States Gov't Bullies think they are or better yet, who or how stupid do they think we are?
People of this once great country, wake up and unite - Don't fill out this UNCONSTITUTIONAL Census form!

The first census that I received was in 1990...I tore it up and threw it out. Then I received one in 2000. I trashed that one too. And now the idiots are going to send me another one. Guess what? I will trash it too. Screw the government and screw Obama. BOYCOTT THE CENSUS!!

I wish I had come across this sooner. I could have picked a couple of likely areas and campaigned for the boycott. I would have really worked to get the word out. Posters, maybe some billboards- basically a census version of the popular Republican 'make sure you vote on Wednesday' trick.

Happy Birthday, Brian

The March 22, 1976 issue of "Time" is a surprisingly interesting read. However, I'm a little depressed by how many similarities there are between problems then and problems now. Oh well, at least we got that whole Middle East thing cleared up.

Hamlet's NCAA Tournament Update

As to the mostly erroneous predictions below, as well as the prognostications from other experts who are neither Danish nor melancholy, "We are arrant knaves all; believe none of us."

Though This Be (March) Madness, Yet There Is Method In't.

Resident hoops prognosticator Hamlet presents his NCAA tournament tips:

Not so my lord; I am too much i' the sun.
Overly-touted teams to avoid:
*UTEP
*Cornell

The (point guard) play's the thing
And Kansas has a great one. As does Kentucky. And it's why I picked Maryland into the Sweet Sixteen. And it's why I'm not too excited about West Virginia.

The heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, — 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd.
Upset specials:
*The low-down dirty snitches from Tennessee could very possibly advance to next week's rounds.
*As could both teams from Mormon country- BYU and Utah State.

...die two months ago, and not forgotten yet? Then there's hope a great man's memory may outlive his life half a year.
A possible second round UK opponent, the Texas Longhorns, frighten me tremendously. They were ranked 1st in January, after all, and even though I've watched them lately and they look atrocious, I'm scared. So Wake Forest will probably be in the Sweet 16

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
Oops, sorry. I don't know how that Rick Pitino/Karen Sypher reference got in here.

How now! a rat?
Mike Krzyzewski's Blue Devils received their usual cakewalk. If Louisville wins Friday and I have to cheer for them Sunday, they better win. I don't want to pull for the filthy Cards and get nothing out of it.

I cannot live to hear the news from England;
But I do prophesy the election lights
Final Four:
*Kansas
*Kansas State
*Kentucky
*Duke

Champion: Kansas over Kentucky

The rest is silence.

What's up with the back-to-back Shakespeare-themed posts, you ask? Heck if I know.

This Date In History

On March 15, 44 BC, Julias Caesar was stabbed to death by a mob of angry senators.
"Beware the Ides of March?" That dude should have said, "Yo, Caesar, beware of a bunch of dudes hiding knives in their togas!"
That would have been much more helpful.

Interestingly, recent anthropological work has led to the belief that Caesar's anonymous seer is in many respects the 'father' of the lucrative modern astrology trade. His warning- vague to the point of uselessness and yet- or therefore- amazingly apt, is now the model followed by all modern seers and astrologists.


I'll probably read a little of the play tonight, now that I'm in the mood. But not until I've enjoyed my low-brow entertainment of "Chuck" and "The Big Bang Theory."