Our government has problems. Loads and loads and loads of problems. So many problems it's almost impossible to know where to begin. Almost impossible, but not quite. There is one problem that can easily be solved: not enough nicknames. Our politicians could get more done, and done well, if they just had cool nicknames.
Nicknames are important. Nobody was going to stand in Henry VIII's way with a title like Defender of the Faith. And who was going to mess with Ivan the Terrible? Or Alexander the Great?

The steady decline of nicknames can be traced through presidential history. The 19th century saw Old Hickory, Old Rough and Ready, and Honest Abe. The first half of the twentieth century was still fairly strong, with the Trust Buster, Silent Cal, and Give'em Hell Harry.
Then we dropped off to Ike and Tricky Dick, and it was downhill all the way. Our last three presidents have been Bubba, Dubya, and Barry.

So I'm trying to rectify the situation. It's too late for Barry, but there are other politicians who can still be helped.


Harry Reid, for instance, could henceforth be known as Harry the Mundane.

On the other side of the aisle, Senator McConnell is now Mitch the Stiff.

California's governor could be, um...hmmm, something from movies maybe. Ideally an intimidating, sci-fi type name from some Linda Hamilton movie. Can't think of anything, though.

Sarah Palin will still be known as That Crazy Bitch. Some things don't need to change.

I can't think of a good name for myself, though. I'd like something along the lines of Defender of the Faith, because that's really cool. But it doesn't really fit with atheism, so I think I'll go with Eater of the Cheetos.