The presidential debate: abridged version

I watched and transcribed the entire debate tonight. More or less. This is the gist of what was said:

Key:
O = Obama
M= McCain

Economy
O: The economy sucks. It’s George Bush’s fault. And John McCain’s. I’ll fix it.
And I’m presidential.
M: The economy sucks. I’ll fix it. And I’m a nice guy. Plus I’m hip. I know about eBay.
O: My opponent is old and out of touch.
M: I care about the middle class. But until last month, I though Fannie and Freddy were the Flintstones.
O: It’s all John McCain’s fault. But I won’t point fingers. I thought Halle Berry was hot in “The Flinstones” movie. That Rosie chick stunk, though. But she’ll vote for me.
O: I’m going to give you everything you want and it’s not going to cost you a dime. my opponent is erratic.
M: I’m a maverick. He’s a communist.
M: I can reach across the aisle and work with Democrats. But Democrats suck.
O: Your paycheck is too small and you spend too much on gas. I’ll fix it. Plus I mentioned Kennedy. Everybody loves him.
M: I’m going to eliminate all government spending that doesn’t directly benefit you.
I’m more patriotic that Barack Hussein Obama.
O: All Americans will have to make sacrifices. (wink, wink. Just kidding. I’m going to make rich people pay!)
M: I knew Herbert Hoover. You, sir, are no Herbert Hoover.
O: I’ll give you anything you want.
M: I know how to fix Social Security. I’ll form a committee. That always works.
M: He’ll raise your taxes.
M: He’ll raise your taxes.
M: He’ll raise your taxes.
M: He’ll raise your taxes. I’m a veteran. I’m patriotic.

Healthcare
O: I know about computers. I’m young. Not too young though. Just young enough.
M: I’m a maverick. I’ve been in the Senate since 1846 but I’m an outsider.
O: I’m going to fix health care. My opponent favors leeches and ether.
M: I’m not out of touch. To prove it, I’ll throw in another gratuitous internet reference. By the way, Big Government is bad. That’s why I want to lead Big Government.
O: McCain just screwed up. I can’t wait to answer this question….HEALTHCARE IS A RIGHT!!! Duh.
And insurance companies are evil. God, this is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Important breaking news… at this point John McCain lost the presidential election by acting like a total ass and blurting out “Did we hear the size of the fine?” in reference to his accusation that Obama will fine small businesses. True, not true, doesn’t matter. If Al Gore’s sighs annoyed viewers in 2000, then that little outburst just cost McCain at least 100,000 voters.

Foreign Policy
M: I’m patriotic and wise. But not old. Wise and hip. Not that I have a bad hip.
O: I’m patriotic, too. And I care. And I’m young. Not too young, though. Young and presidential.
M: I’m tough and wise. If I lose, I’m going to do Viagra ads like Bob Dole.
O: I’m wise and tough. John and I should make a Reese’s peanut butter cup commercial.
M: You, sir, are also no Teddy Roosevelt. I knew him, too.
O: Why do you keep talking about carrying a big stick? Are you doing Viagra commercials already?
M: You’re a jerk.
O: You’re a geezer.
M: You’re a communist.
O: You’re senile
M: Oh, go to hell, you …whoops- I think I just wet myself.
O: Hah.
M: My opponent is soft on terrorism, soft on rogue nations, soft on..
O: That’s a lot of references to ‘soft’ The Viagra must be wearing off.
M: I’m going to start World War III by bombing Russia. Don’t worry, though, you’ll all die so fast there will be no need to re-institute the draft.
O: Everything is McCain’s fault. I will fix it.

QUESTION: Yes or no, is Russia an evil empire?
O: How dumb do you think I am?
M: How dumb do you think I am?

M: Iran is evil. I’m tough. I want the Jewish vote.
O: Iran is evil. I’m tough, too. I also want the Jewish vote.

IN CLOSING:
O: Change, change, change, change.
M: I'm a veteran.