Dear Big Boy,
It appears it may be time to sever our relationship. I would like to do so on a good note.
I know we've had creative differences in the past- for instance, those rock-hard biscuits you served me last June and the undercooked hash browns in March, 2007- but I hope we can settle this like gentlemen.
I have therefore decided to make this offer. I am willing to end the bickering and walk away for what I feel is a reasonable price. I am also willing to sign a no-compete clause.
If you will pay me $18.00 (US) then I believe we can terminate our relationship amicably. I will agree to refrain from any negative public comments about you and your restaurants. Furthermore, for the period of one year I will not eat at Cracker Barrel, Waffle House, IHOP, or Denny's.
I must insist on the continued right to grab a sausage biscuit at McDonald's when I'm in a hurry.
Thank you for your consideration,
Kevin
If this works I'll try something similar with Target, Wendy's, and Barnes and Noble-and of course Rick Pitino and Tiger Woods.
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