Coach Gump's press conference

Alabama coach Forrest Gump held a press conference today. Some of the highlights:

Coach: Hello. My name's Forrest, Forrest Gump. People call me Forrest Gump.

Q: Do you enjoy being the highest-paid coach in the nation?
Coach: Yes, sir. We've got more money than Davy Crockett.

Q: Your contract negotiations with the athletic director allegedly took place before last season was even over. Is this true?
Coach: I got a call from him saying we don't have to worry about money no more and I said, "That's good. One less thing".

Q: Is it true that in order to afford to pay you, the university had to lay off all the groundskeepers?
Coach: 'Cause I was gazillionaire and I liked doing it so much, I cut that grass for free.


Q: Coach Gump, your offense has done a good job avoiding penalties this season. Why do you think that is?
Coach: Stupid is as stupid does.

Q: Can you elaborate?
Coach: That's all I have to say about that.

Q: You've said you had to build this team from scratch. Were there any talented players here before you took over?
Coach: There was Dallas, from Phoenix. Cleveland, he was from Detroit. And Tex was, well, I don't remember where Tex come from.

Q: Prior to your victory at Georgia there seemed to be some acrimony between yourself and Coach Richt, especially concerning the black-out Georgia had planned. When you shook Coach Richt's hand following the game, did you say anything special to him?
Coach: Sorry I had a fight in the middle of your Black Panther party.

Q: What do you think of the Georgia fans who threw beer on the reporters from Alabama?
Coach: Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks.

Q: That was a huge win. How did your fans celebrate?
Coach: They'd all dress up in their robes and their bedsheets and act like a bunch of ghosts or spooks or something. They'd even put bedsheets on their horses and ride around.

Q: What's your best memory of winning the national championship?
Coach: You get to meet the President of the United States. Now, the real good thing about meeting the President of the United States is the food. They put you in this little room with just about anything you'd want to eat or drink. And, since number one; I wasn't hungry, but thirsty. And number two; they was free. I must o' drank me about fifteen Dr Peppers.

Q: So far, Coach, you've done a fine job of rebuilding here at Alabama. But you've been known to bounce from job to job. In fact you've been accused of a lack of loyalty- of always chasing a bigger paycheck. Any comments?
Coach: When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. When I had to go, you know, I went.

Q: Didn't you feel any loyalty at all to the players in your former program?
Coach: I just felt like running.

Q: Alabama's a 17-point favorite against Kentucky Saturday. Are you worried about a let-down?
Coach: Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Q: Coach, how do you feel about-
Coach: I'm pretty tired... I think I'll go home now.