George Carlin

Until noon today, I had completely missed the news about George Carlin. He's been one of my favorites for years.

Here are a couple of good quotes (Yes, I use too many quotes on this blog. But if I have something I want to say, and someone else has already said it better, then why offer my own inferior product? And if they say something I like that I'd never thought of, I'd rather attribute it and credit them than just rephrase it and pass it off as my own.):

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"People I can do without. This is my list: guys in their fifties named "Skip." Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. An airline pilot who has on two different shoes. A proctologist with poor depth perception. A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats. Anyone who mentions Jesus more than three hundred times in a two-minute conversation. A dentist with blood in his hair. Any woman whose hobby is breast-feeding zoo animals. A funeral director who says "Hope to see you folks again real soon!" Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. A man with only one lip. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. People who actually know the second verse to "The Star-Spangled Banner." Any lawyer who refers to the police as the "Federales." A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin! A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. Couples whose children's names all start with the same initials. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand. People who have large gums and small teeth. Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. And any man whose arm hair completely covers his wristwatch. All right, that's enough of that."

"Religion has actually conviced people that there's an invisible man. Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day of your life. And he has a list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any, any, of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and ash and torture where he will send you to suffer and burn and scream and cry forever and ever until the end of time. ... But he loves you."

"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it."

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

"How come none of these boxers seem to have a losing record?"

"A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt."