Special Announcement

It has now been conclusively determined that the 'fireball' in the sky over Austin, TX, as well as the occurrences in eastern Kentucky, were actually the final precursors to the End of Days.

Jefferson County schools will thus be operating on a two-hour delay tomorrow. Students are instructed to wait quietly at home for the Rapture. Any students not called to Heaven by 10 a.m. should proceed to school.

When asked, a government official speculated that Archdiocese of Louisville Catholic schools will probably be open as usual with no delay "because papists are all going to hell anyway."